šÆāāļø How to Tackle Sibling Rivalry
It's been A LOT of "quality time" together. How to teach the kids tools to deal and resolve, without turning into full-time referee.
š§ TL;DR - 5 min video
š Intro
Itās normal and even productive for siblings to argue, but it can be hard to know how to help them move past disagreements, and even harder to tolerate ALL THAT YELLING! Now that siblings are in even closer quarters (and those quarters may double as your office), conflicts are on the rise. Hereās how to frame things for yourself and to work towards being the calm-in-the-storm of sibling tensions.
š¤ Sibling Rivalry 101
Attention, attention, attention: Set aside time for each kiddo to get one-on-one attention from the adults in their lives on a regular basis - even if itās just 10 focused minutes a day. Donāt wait for them to try and get your attention by arguing!
Avoid stereotypes: Notice if youāre always asking one child to be āthe big brotherā or if one child is seen as the āathletic oneā - this adds to competition between kids.
Ignore bickering: It may boil your blood, but small arguments are normal, and kids need to learn how to resolve them on their own. Step in only if things get too heated, and reflect each childās position rather than jumping to solutions.
Let the feelings flow: While itās not okay to hurt one another, express that itās okay for siblings to be angry at one another sometimes. Give them space to express how they feel and take space to calm down before talking things out.
Stay in Switzerland: As the parent, your job is to reflect back what everyone is saying and give them space to say it, not to take sides. If you have to intervene in a conflict, take a deep breath and calmly describe what youāre seeing and hearing.
Same team, long-term: Treat your kids as a team that can solve their problems together, and think about sibling conflict as an opportunity to build lifelong problem-solving skills, not just a chance to get them to stop as quickly as possible.
āØ Your Options:
Family meeting: If siblings are having an ongoing battle about one thing (sharing a room or coveted object, for example), call a meeting. Explain the rules (feelings are okay, but we canāt be mean, everyone gets to talk, no yelling, etc). Let each person speak and write down their concerns for all to see. Let each person respond to what was said. Then brainstorm and write down ideas, not judging, just putting them all down. As a team, go through the possible solutions and pick one or more that seem the most promising and doable. Follow up to see how itās working for everyone. Post rules and possible solutions for problems (you can put solutions on a spinnable "Wheel of Choice" for them to go to when stuck).
Practice commentating: Itās natural to take sides, jump to solutions, or punish kids for fighting. But if you can stay calm and simply reflect the situation back to your kids, like a neutral sports commentator calling the game, they will slowly learn how to take care of it themselves. For example, try āit sounds like you want the toy your brother is playing with. How can you talk to him about it?ā As long as no oneās getting hurt, try and stay in the argument and patiently let them work their way out of it.
Teach tools: Giving kids some go-to phrases and practices to resolve the most common conflicts can be empowering:
Sharing: āDo you want 2 minutes or 5 minutes before my turn?
Expressing Feelings with I Statements: āI feel mad thatā¦ā
Communicating their needs with "A Bug and a Wish": "It bugs me when people take my toys, I wish they would ask."
Calming Anger: Count to ten, three deep breaths, get some space.
Write your thoughts: When thereās something your sibling isnāt hearing, write it down and address it later.
Put them on the same team: After coming up with some solutions to their common conflicts, encourage siblings to work together to achieve a common goal. For example, when they use the PS3 without fighting, they earn the right to use it the next day. Or, if kids canāt stop fighting, give them a task to work on together as a consequence, like picking weeds or cleaning up the living room. If they do it cooperatively, make sure to praise them and point out what worked.
š§° Tools:
Family Meeting Script:
Empathy: āIāve noticed thatā¦ā (you two are fighting a lot about who gets to use the IPad). Whatās going on?
Information: Give each child a turn to explain their experience.
Reflect: āSo let me see if I have this rightā¦ā (Max, you want to use the IPad to watch your show in the morning, but Stella also wants it in the morning to play Roblox.)
Define the Problem: So the problem is that you both want the IPad in the morning. And when you fight over it no one gets to enjoy it, and I get very frustrated with all the yelling.
Brainstorm Solutions: (I wonder if thereās a way you could both use the iPad happily.) What ideas can we come up with? List ideas, without judgment, good or bad.
Make a Plan: Select one or two ideas, circle them, and have both kids agree verbally or with a signature to trying them out.
Remind and Revise: Right before the usual fight occurs, remind them of the new plan. (Okay, we agreed that Max will use the iPad 8-8:20 and Stella will use it 8:20-8:40. Iām setting the kitchen timer and when it beeps Max will close it and bring it to Stella.) ). Monitor the plan to see if itās working or if things need to change.
Books to Read to Kids About Sibling Relationships:
Iāll Fix Anthony
Julus, Baby of the World
The Brother Book
The Sister Book
Sheila Ray the Brave
The New Small Person
Ramona and Beezus
Ivy and Bean
šWorth Reading:
A brief summary of the iconic Siblings Without Rivalry, complete with infographic!
Ideas for addressing rivalry with a new baby
More about why siblings fight, the benefits of sibling rivalry, and how to help
A Bug and A Wish How To
Great class on sibling relationships